Loss

Three days ago, I heard the heartbreaking words, Jake is dead.

Nine years and seven months ago, Jason surprised me with a birthday gift three days after we moved into our first apartment together. A kitty. Name undecided, cute as a button, skinny as can be and a lover to boot, or so he said over the phone while I was at my day job with no time in between it and my evening job to stop by home to see our newest edition. The anticipation was agonizing.

Don't get me wrong, I tried. But 5 o'clock traffic didn't leave me any maneuver room. I think I hit every red light possible that day. So, during my fifteen minute break during the night job, I raced back to our apartment, shaved a minute off my 7 minute commute there and back which left me 3 minutes to meet and greet.

If you know me at all, you know I was late getting back to work.

He was so beautiful. His eyes sparkled, he purred and he head butted me immediately upon greeting, as if to say, Mine.

Love was instantaneous.

If only his naming had been. It took me over 5 days to find the perfect name. Many were discussed, vetoed, disagreed on etc. Then one night we were sitting on the patio, and I said to Jason, 'what about Jake?' He said, 'hmm, I don't know' leaned forward to look into the apartment at the kitty and said to him, 'how about it? do you like the name Jake?' Jake walked out to join us, meowed and it fit. Jake it is.

Jake proceeded to teach us the trials of kitties. Meticulously shredding newspapers, 1/4 of an inch at a time, unrolling the toilet paper in record speed, God awful 6am feedings and the never ending need to lie between Jason and I each night as we went to sleep.

As he got older and wiser to more obnoxious tricks, we began to shut him out of the bedroom to sleep in a bit. Of course, that was when we would hear.. Ka- THUNK, scrrrcchhhhh.. Ka THUNK, scccrrrcccchhhhhh.. KA- THUNK, click, MEOW, followed by the feel of his body leaping onto the bed with a wet nose good morning kiss. Feed me now I say!

He entertained and was so darn smart it was frustrating at times. There's only so many bags of bread a cat can eat through before you cry in frustration 'I GIVE UP!' Top shelves were climbable, bread boxes openable, cans with lids a free for all. Nothing was too good for our boy.. not even the trash. It wasn't until Julia arrived that we had actually fooled him by installing child proof locks. Finally, our food was safe!

I know his chapters closed in our lives and I know that I will have to come to terms with it. For now though, I grieve. I've lost one of my loves and it aches to know that he will never jump in bed with me again at night to snuggle. Never warm my feet when Jason is gone at work. Never give me his ultra love-mode kisses that make me break out in hives. Never feeling again the soft warm silk of is fur. God he was so soft I can still his fur running through my hands, and the sound of his purr is right in my ear, just as if he were right here instead of buried outside.

Death is so final. I know that we are blessed that he went in his sleep but right now, I have a hard time finding any blessing in his loss. It may sound silly to some that I have such an attachment, but for me, he was ours and we were his and that says it all.

So for now, I will leave the light on, feel no shame at my tears and eventually, Lord help me, eventually, be able to laugh again about the antics and joy you brought to our lives.

I love you Jake, may you rest in peace my baby boy.

Love, mom